My husband’s search history freaked me out.

My husband and I have been married for almost a year now. Everything in our marriage was great for the first few months. The man I met while we were in the dating stage was very open and always shared what was on his mind. All of a sudden he changed completely.

I noticed he had become very secretive and set passwords on his phone, laptop and almost every gadget he owned. I didn’t want to rush into confronting him so I just ignored it and gave it some time. It got worse and worse as time passed because he became so reserved and spoke very few words at home.

He also stopped getting intimate with me. I ended up being the one who was always initiating sex in our marriage. It got to a point I couldn’t take it anymore so I confronted him that he was cheating on me. My husband got angry and denied it.

The only option left for me was to leave for my parent’s house for a while because I didn’t understand why I would be sharing the same house with a man who wouldn’t touch me or get intimate with me even though he performed every other duty a wife could expect from her husband.

After staying at my mom’s for a few weeks he called me apologising and begging me to come back. So I moved back. This time around I noticed he was trying hard to make things work but only the sex part was missing something. It felt as if he was being forced to do it.

I lost my cool one day and confronted him with divorce if he no longer finds me attractive. That’s when he opened up about what he wanted. He said, “What I want in bed you cannot give me”.

He didn’t get into details about what he meant by that statement despite constantly asking. I felt horrible and I was convinced he was having an affair. Without proof, there was not much I could do.

I borrowed his laptop one day to type out an assignment because mine was faulty. That was when I found out what my husband was into. His laptop is connected to his Google so I could also see all his search history from his phone.

It was full of p**n. Not just the standard p**n we know but this one was darker and scary. I froze while browsing through his search history because, for the 2 years we dated before getting married, I never knew him to be the kind that watches such things. He had this chrife kakra bad boy kakra personality to him but being a p**n addict was the least I thought of him.

The kind of videos I saw suggested that my husband was into beating women, tying them up even making them bleed before engaging in sexual intercourse with them. There was no way in hell I would do that. That was when I understood what he meant by “What I want in bed you cannot give me”.

I couldn’t hold back my anger so I immediately rushed him and we got into a huge fight. That was the first time he laid hands on me. I couldn’t believe he would do that to me. My husband after giving me the beating of my life immediately went on his knees begging me to forgive him.

I did forgive him because I didn’t want to lose my marriage of 10 months. I can’t prove my enemies right. After I forgave him and was in my sorry state, He started touching me right there. I was confused but he was being a bit too persistent so I gave in.

That was the first time in a long while I saw him so excited about sex. Somehow I felt happy pleasing him. From that moment onwards our marriage became somewhat of a bittersweet experience. We would always end up getting intimate after a fight. I somehow began to like it.

I opened up to a very close friend about what was happening that was when she suggested therapy for both of us but my husband discarded the idea.

I find myself in a sorry state where I have to offend him anytime I want some. I know it’s not healthy but I can’t help it. I am already having bruises and marks on certain parts of my body. What do I do?

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